The Sadist Survival Guide
by Symphonic Smoothies
Summary: It's hard to prevent being assassinated when the person who wants to kill you is your co-worker and long-term acquaintance. This is documentation of Hijikata going through that very difficulty, where he offers advice on how not to die at the hands of Okita Sougo.


**Helloooo! This would be my third fanfic. I wrote this because I've always loved the dynamic of Hijikata and Okita's friendship (?) and how difficult it is to understand. That, and they're two of my favorite characters ever. Which isn't saying much, since to me Gintama in general is just... !**

 **Anyways, I hope you enjoy!**

 **Cover art done by pixiv user** **. ?id=6084786**

 **Check out all of this arist's amazing work!**

 **Disclaimer: I promise, I don't own Gintama, Sorachi Hideaki does.**

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Lesson 1: Keep An Open Mind, Because He's Pretty Damn Creative

 _Most people fear me._

 _I'm the demon Vice Chief for a reason, after all._

 _Rules of logic say I'm pretty much untouchable, because there aren't very many who would dare stand up to me out of fear for their lives - with damn good reason._

 _But then, that man has always blurred the lines of rationality. Just when you think you've found a pattern in his behavior, or you find a little more of what might be hidden beyond that annoyingly blank face, that bastard shatters your progress, proving it was all just a joke and leaving you at square one._

 _Really, there's no way you can predict what that jackass will do next. It's best just to be on the lookout for anything and everything, which over the years I've come to realize means scrapping logic to hell and considering all possibilities and their alternatives._

 _Because underestimating Sougo Okita could cost you your life._

\- Toshirou Hijikata, _The Sadist Survival Guide_

* * *

"Vice - chief!"

The door to his room slid open with a bang. The sleeping man's eyes snapped open, the corners crinkling furiously as they bored into the frantic face of the Shinsengumi spy. Groggily, his gaze flicked over to the clock by his futon - 5:27 A.M. Early even for the demon vice-chief.

Hijikata sat upright so his death threat to Yamazaki could take full affect. "Oi, you wanna die? The hell're you running around here screaming for, eh?"

Yamazaki's legs quaked at the murderous intent that was plainly on his superior's face, but he did not retreat. It was of utmost importance that he wake him up immediately. "The station is on fire! We've all been told to evacuate outside to the courtyard!"

"What?" Hijikata was wide awake now, his incredulous expression mirroring his disbelieving thoughts at Yamazaki's words. _"Why the hell is the station on fire?! And while everyone's asleep too..."_

An image of long, sleek black hair and cunning swirled eyes came to mind, and he clenched his teeth. _"Could Katsura have done this? He's usually a bit more silent, more... domesticated. But that still doesn't change the fact he's a terrorist. One of his bombs could have -"_

"Vice-chief, there's something else that you should know about before you leave." The plain man's face looked grave, and his voice was heavy with the weight of what he was about to say.

Coming to a stand and quickly stripping to change, he looked at Yamazaki in curiosity. "Huh?"

"I-it's Captain Okita! The fire spread to his room first, and he hasn't come out yet. I think he's trapped!"

 _"S-Sougo... that idiot! What is someone like him doing getting caught up by a few flames?"_ Shrugging on his uniform jacket and swiftly strapping his katana to his side, he left the room with haste. Across from his own quarters was the 1st Division Captain's room, smoke filing out from behind the shoji door in gray sulfurous puffs. Already imagining the worst, the raven-haired officer kicked the opening in, revealing the source of the smoke. Great flames, red and orange and yellow, skyrocketed towards the ceiling and crept along the sparse furniture on the floor. Hijikata's eyes widened as he realized he could barely see the futon through the smoke and fire, but he could see enough to know there was a figure in the sheets. The figure had on a familiar red sleeping mask.

 _"Baka... sleeping at a time like this!"_ He stealthily crept his way through the raging heat, trying not to get too singed before he'd helped his comrade. With a thin strand of patience Hijikata crossed the room unscathed, though the smoke made it difficult to breathe and he was starting to overheat. Once he reached Okita's futon, he wasted no time shaking the shoulder of its occupant.

"Oi, Sougo! Get your ass up, the station's on fire! Unless you wanna die, wake up, you lazy bastard!" Hijikata yelled while shaking his shoulder vigorously. It wasn't til he received no response that he noticed something. The shoulder he was grasping was unbelievably limp, as if there were no muscles or even bones inside of it. A closer look at the face of the resting form told him why.

It was a human-sized plush doll imitation of Okita, its body dressed in his pajamas and its face covered by his trademark eye mask. Hijikata also noticed the large 0 the figure had for a mouth, which finally alerted him to the fact that this wasn't Okita.

At the sound of the door sliding open a little, the vice chief looked up. There leaning against the doorway was Sougo Okita, dressed in full uniform with his hands in his pockets, looking at his superior with all the innocence of a child.

"Ah, Hijikata-san, what are you doing in there? Don't you know that the building's on fire?" Okita blinked at Hijikata like he was an idiot, like he hadn't purposefully led the vice chief to believe he was endangered and needed his help.

The thin strand of patience he'd held onto earlier? Snapped.

"SOUGOOO! ASSHOLE, I"LL REALLY KILL YOU FOR THIS ONE YOU SADISTIC BASTARD!" Hijikata yelled at the top of his lungs.

No longer seeing the point of acting ignorant of his deeds, the sandy haired man gave him a wide, sardonic grin. "Well, since you seem to like my room so much, you can stay in there for a while. It gets kind of cold though, so I'll turn the heat up a bit." Seemingly out of nowhere a can of gasoline was placed in front of the door.

Hijikata's eye's widened to the point where even the little red veins in them could be seen. "W-what is this Sougo?"

With one twisted smirk the captain answered, "Your grave."

As Okita walked down the hallway to exit the building he put his earplugs in and cranked the volume on his audio comic to drown out the sound of Hijikata's curses.

* * *

"So you didn't start the fire?"

"Nope."

By some miraculous chance, the vice chief had managed to crawl out of the lone window in Okita's room and escape the fire - and eventual explosion - before he got seriously injured. With the help of local firefighters, the blaze on the living area of the Shinsengumi was put out, and they revealed to the police officers that it had spread from the kitchen to the rest of the station. By that logic, everyone assumed the whole thing was just a cooking accident.

Everyone except Hijikata.

His narrowed eyes shifted over to the swordsman beside him in doubt. "Like I believe that. I knew you wanted to get rid of me, but you've really screwed things up this time."

Okita's head tilted upwards and his eyes closed wearily. "Really, I don't know what you're talking about. Don't you know, in America it's April Fool's Day, and I thought it'd be interesting to play a small prank on you." He stuffed his hands in his pockets and opened his eyes enough to glance at his superior in mirth. "You just don't know how to take a joke."

"What the hell kind of joke is this?! Your sense of humor usually involves someone being humiliated or nearly killed! The world doesn't need your comedy!"

Okita straightened his posture and kicked a stray pebble towards the damaged part of the building. "I just took advantage of the situation, honestly. I never could've guessed the Shinsengumi would catch on fire. Who would do such a thing?"

"I was thinking the souless ingrate I'm talking to would be a prime candidate."

Before Okita could respond, the Sinsengumi chief approached them with a stern face and shaking hands. Hijikata couldn't determine which was more out of character.

"Toushi, Sougo. You probably already know that the compound fire started from the kitchen, right?" At their slow nods he continued, "Well, if we found the culprit - probably some newbie who wanted an early breakfast - then what do you think we should do, Toushi?"

Hijikata raised a brow inquistively. "What would we do? They broke the Kyokuchuu Hatto; they'll have to commit seppuku, especially since they caused so much damage." He placed a reassuring hand on the commander's shoulder. "Don't worry, Kondo-san. We'll find out who is responsible and have them receive their punishment."

Okita placed his hand on Kondo's other shoulder. "Don't worry, Kondo-san. We'll find out who is responsible and have Hijikata-san receive their punishment."

"Why am I committing seppuku for someone else?! And it's too soon for you to talk about me dying! You just tried to kill me!"

Despite the comforting hands on either of his shoulders, Kondo still looked anguished. "You guys... you don't have to worry about finding the culprit..."

The two other officers looked at the chief in confusion. "Kondo-san, what are you talking about? We have to -"

"It's all my fault! I figured I had to learn my way around the kitchen if I was to marry Otae-san so I could make actual food for-"

Kondo's apologetic explanation was cut short when a forceful kick from a pink robed figure knocked him to the ground.

The young policemen turned to look at the disgusted face of Otae Shimura. Behind her, Shinpachi's expression conveyed both his concern of his sister's possible victims and his nonchalance at her display of violence.

Otae cracked her knuckles threateningly, a scary smile plastered to her face. "My my, what was that about my cooking, _Kondo-san?"_

"Um, sis, isn't the part about marriage worse than that? Actually, what is going on with this fire at this time of morning..."

"Hold on Shin-chan, I want to hear what the Gorilla has to say about my cooking..."

Kondo lifted his head enough to give Hijikata and Okita a desperate look. "Please help me," he mouthed silently.

Hijikata sighed heavily before turning to Otae. "Shimura-san, right now we need Kondo -"

"- to answer all of your questions while we go clean up the station," Okita finished with false composure as he quickly walked away from where his boss lay on the ground.

The vice-chief stared after him dumb-founded. "Oi, Sougo! What are you -"

In a smooth motion Okita turned his head to reveal one of the most terrifying expressions Hijikata had ever seen the teen wear. "Run away before it's too late, " he whispered in a tremor - ridden voice. Looking back at Otae's anticipatory fists, Hijikata did not need to be told twice.

After giving his commander one last apologetic look, he caught up to Okita's leisurely strides leaving the damaged compound.

"Oi, we still have to do our job today. Don't think you can use this as an excuse to slack off, Sougo." Hijikata eyed the captain in warning as he reached for another cigarette before realizing he no longer had any.

In response the sandy haired man gave his superior a lazy glare out of the corner of his eye. "I don't need you to tell me that. Go choke on mayonnaise, mayora."

"Are you insulting mayonnaise, bastard?!" was yelled at Okita's back, to no avail. Eventually Hijikata could only sigh and look ahead determinedly. It would be a long day.

A normal person might have been disturbed, walking calmly beside the person who wanted to kill you and had more than enough skill to do it. But this was Hijikata's life and, for the moment at least, he was doing a fairly good job of keeping it.

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 **I believe I'll be able to update this story once a month, probably on a weekend day (taking college courses when you're a high school junior is tough, to understate). I want this story to have some length, so any advice and comments you may have can be put in a review! Thank you very much for reading, and have a nice day!**


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